L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Is that a pirate monkey in your pocket?

June 4, 2007 on 2:53 pm | In General Musing, Movies |

Arrgh! I’ll resist the urge to talk like a pirate, though it’s mightily tempting.

Watching the third installment of the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy made me wish for the world’s end - or at least the movie’s end. Don’t get me wrong - there were some terrifically entertaining parts: The special effects? Eye popping! The pirates of all races, creed, species and musical backgrounds? Deliciously degenerate! But oh my God and little crustations, the story and action were so fragmented and pointless I found myself envying Bootstrap Bill who could snuggle back into a nice cozy bulkhead and pretend none of this was happening. What the hell point was the whole Calypso story line? All that build up for what? A nifty maelstrom backdrop for a gun battle? (More likely: the maelstrom was generated by the sucking vacuum where the story line ought to be.) And can someone explain why the fuck Lord Beckett didn’t give the order to fire the cannons? I could go on, but it would be almost as tedious as the movie.

Johnny Depp’s loopy Sparrow was a kick in the first movie. By the third, it’s been there, slurred that. I certainly didn’t need more than one. Orlando Bloom got somewhat more interesting when he finally let go near the end, but that’s not saying much - he’d been a pretty snooze for the previous nine hours.

It’s disappointing. The first movie was a lovely surprise. The teasing return of Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa at the end gave me hope that the second movie was only the typical middle-of-the-trilogy slump before a rollicking closer.

(On a side note, ever since I saw the above, I’ve had a rather dark and deviant urge to get Davy Jones alone somewhere. mmmmm… tentacles…)

The best part of Pirates III was walking out of the theatre behind a father and two young boys who were absolutely punch drunk and vibrating with excitement about the movie. “Dad! Did you see how the tentacle went in his mouth and came out his nose? That was awesome!”

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