L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Sexually Trasmitted: New Diseases You Want to Share

June 8, 2007 on 5:35 pm | In General Musing, Sex Files |

You always hear about the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases, but what if you could catch good things from your partner? Like skills, talents or desirable traits?

Here are some new STDs for your consideration:

GENITAL HERPLEASE
Symptoms: Found mostly in males, though there are notable incursions in the female homosexual population. Symptoms include elongation of the tongue, tremors in the fingertips and an obsessive compulsion to repeat the same motions over and over and over.
Who should become infected: Every guy I ever dated.
Cure: It’s best to let this one run its course.

GLAMYDIA
Symptoms: A keen interest in fashion accompanied by the appearance of taste and an acute ability to accessorize.
Who should become infected: Weekend populations of suburban malls would be a good start.
Cure: Massive injections of money and a long rest cure in Paris or New York.

GRAIDS
Symptoms: A sudden, uncontrollable urge to study. Loss of desire for alcohol and parties. Persistent visions of future career success accompanied by fear of failure.
Who should become infected: My children
Cure: You might think this disease would be running out of control in our schools, but you would be wrong. The public school system, through its tireless promotion of politically correct programming has virtually stamped out this disease.

HPV (Humor Procurement Virus)
Symptoms: The acquisition of the ability to remember and tell jokes orally rather than by the recently pervasive vector of email forwarding.
Who should become infected: You know who you are.
Cure: An antivirus is being tested that will intercept stupid forwarded email jokes and return them to the infected computers where they will be permanently destroyed. The hope is that once the email vector is eliminated, the body’s natural humor might return.

QUICKERMONIASIS
Symptoms: Improved reflexes accompanied by rapid movements and a sense of urgency.
Who should become infected: The M*&$*# guy in front of me in the gas line who apparently needs an hour to decide to get out of his F*%(@ car, learn how to use the G%*$@! pump and get the F%&(#* out of my way.
Cure: A cure derived from dynamite and delivered via assault rifle has shown great promise in clinical testing, though some watchdog organizations question the ethics of interfering with its spread.

STIFFILIS (see also: BONERRHEA)
Symptoms: Persistent and long-lasting swelling and rigidity in limited anatomical regions.
Who should become infected: Men over the age of 50.
Cure: The manufacturers of Viagra, Levitra and Cialis are conducting intensive research into curing this disease, as its uncontrolled spread will likely put them out of business.

Can you think of any others?

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