June 16th, 2007
SCENE I: Theme music: Noirish, suspenseful, dark
It was another rainy day in Seattle, the City That Mainlines Caffeine, and another day on the job for Lola DeVour, Diet Detective. I was dozing at my desk, listening to the seductive hum of the microwave in the corner when suddenly there was a knock on the door. “It ain’t locked,” I yelled and moment later she walked in.
She was like a roadmap of the Siskiyous: curves on curves on curves and all of them dangerous. She lumbered toward my desk, a super-sized serving of fried nerves. “Have a seat, sister,” I said. “How about the couch? That chair’s an antique.” She sat.
“What can I do for you, Ms…”
“Ms. Light. Celia Light.”
“What’s eating you, honey?”
“Detective DeVour, I’ve been on a diet, but I think someone’s trying to… sabotage me.”
“Hold on, Buttercup, that’s a serious charge. Suppose you tell me why you think it’s sabotage? Here, have a cookie.”
“Thanks. Well, I went to the store the other day, to get fruit and vegetables but when I got home and looked in the bags, I found… chips… pizza… Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream. And that’s not all. Suddenly, every time I pass a Starbucks I can hear them… the blueberry scones, the lemon pound cake… calling me, calling me… and I can’t resist. I think I must be going mad!”
“Now, now, take it easy there, Sugar. We’ll get to the bottom of this.”
“Oh, thank you for taking my case, Detective!”
“My pleasure, Ms. Light. Here’s my card. And how about a nice hot bagel bite for the road? Take a few. They’re pretty small.”
SCENE II - Theme music
I was still at my desk, wondering who the suspects in the case could be when the phone rang.“DeVour here”
“Surprised to catch you in, detective.”
“Well, well, well, Sergeant Stout. I haven’t heard your greasy voice since the case of the Zero Calorie Muffins. To what do I owe the displeasure of your call?”
“Cut the sweet talk, Devour. I think you better get down here. There’s a dead body at Food Barn with your business card in her pocket. We have a few questions.”
“Who’s the stiff?” I asked, afraid I already knew the answer.
“A Ms. Celia Light. And we’re very interested to know how you’re tied up in this.”
I slammed down the phone, grabbed my hat and a Luna bar and headed for the door. Ten minutes later I was at Food Barn, brushing crumbs off my lapels and pushing past the yellow tape. It was not a pretty sight. Celia Light was spread eagled on the dessert aisle floor surrounded by Little Debbie Snack Cake wrappers. Sergeant Stout’s eyes skewered me like a cocktail olive.
“So DeVour. Just how are you mixed up in this one?”
“Keep your belt buckled, Stout. She is… was a client. Came to me with some sob story about a saboteur having it in for her. I don’t know any more than you.”
“I don’t know, DeVour. It seems like every time we have a case like this, you’re name comes up. A little curious, don’t you think?”
“Settle down, Stout. You’re lined up at the wrong buffet. I had nothing to do with this. Here, have a donut. It clears the mind.”
I left Sergeant Stout standing in a sugar-fueled haze and made my way out of the store.
SCENE III - Theme music
The rain had let up and I took my time walking back to the office, offering candy to children along the way. I made my way up to the office, refilled the bowl of M&Ms and settled back in my chair again.
As far as I was concerned, it was case closed. Yes, it was another day in Seattle, the City that Mainlines Caffeine, and another day on the job for Lola DeVour, Diet Detective.
Theme music - fade to black
© 2007 Eva Moon
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June 17th, 2007 at 7:52 am
You’re having way too much fun here.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Jessie…
I love the blog. I added you to my digg account to bookmark it for later……