L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Ten life lessons I learned from porn

June 25, 2007 on 11:44 pm | In General Musing, Sex Files |

1. YOU’RE THE STAR OF YOUR LIFE - DRESS THE PART. Be your best, fabulous self at all times - even home alone. Live life as if the man of your dreams were peeking in the window.
2. FIND WORK YOU LOVE. Pool maintenance, gardening and pizza delivery are excellent career paths for young men. The only careers open to women are photography and art gallery management. Fortunately, there are limitless job opportunities these fields and you never have to work more than an a few minutes a day to afford a fabulous lifestyle.
3. NEVER SAY DIE. Life, like fucking or football, is not a game for the meek: Find your position, hit it hard, keep going and don’t hold back if you want to score.
4. BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. It’s easy! No matter what the occasion, a nude lap dance is always appreciated.
5. DON’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ IN THE PAPERS. The world is a safe place. It’s always OK to enter abandoned houses or get in strange cars. Even that scary-looking motorcycle perv just wants to make you happy.
6. ALWAYS USE A GOOD MOISTURIZER. Taking care of your complexion is essential. Fortunately, men can provide an excellent facial and are generally happy to do so.
7. OPEN YOURSELF UP TO NEW EXPERIENCES. Life is full of surprises. When you find yourself in unexpected circumstances - kidnapped by pirates, for example - dive in face first and make the best of it. You won’t be sorry.
8. IT TAKES A VILLAGE. One-on-one’s fine. Even solo will do at times. But the real action is in groups. Invite your friends.
9. SOMETIMES YOU’RE ON TOP. SOMETIMES YOU’RE NOT. There are advantages to either position.
10. MANAGE YOUR LOVE LIFE LIKE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO. Look for strong movement, dump poor performers and diversify.

See more like that one:

• Computer Term or Bad Sex?
• Not British, Apparently
• Flasher
• Why have sex (Fiction edition)
• The Sin of Self-Restraint