L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Five lessons from Ocean’s 13

July 2, 2007 on 11:26 am | In General Musing, Movies |

The producers of Ocean’s 13 have really gone out on a limb and released a third installment of the franchise that hinges on a complicated casino heist. Unfortunately, this time around they dispensed with the plot and hoped if they quick-cut enough frenzied shenanigans together no one would notice. Even so, a few lessons emerge from the chaos:

#5 If you’re planning a big heist, check your coolness rating first. If it’s low, forget the whole deal. The monstrous computer at the Bank Casino looked like the Death Star core on dilithium crystals and yet when the boys unzipped their massive collective coolness, that inexplicable towering cylindrical display bent right over and dropped its pants.

#4 Hey guys, wanna get laid? Try the old fake schnozz trick. You know what they say about the size of a man’s, um, nose… Seriously, Ellen Barkin should get an Oscar for keeping a straight face.

#3 The studio got it backwards: The actors should have paid to be in the movie. They were obviously having more fun than the audience.

#2 Go ahead and break your giant Chunnel-digging machine. You can always get another one… AND dispose of the old one… AND have the new one shipped and in place within 24 hours. It’s clear none of these guys stayed in high school long enough to sweat a final or they’d know about tripping the fire alarm to clear a building.

#1 George Clooney just keeps getting hunkier. Sorry guys, I know it ain’t fair. Live with it. Rowr.

See more like that one:

• Ten life lessons I learned from porn
• The Way Things Go - 20 Years
• Is that a pirate monkey in your pocket?