L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Guilty Pleasures, A to Z

November 16, 2007 on 3:26 pm | In General Musing, Movies, Music |

What do you secretly love, even though you know it’s either a) bad for you or b) would make you the laughing stock of your friends if it got out? Here’s my A-to-Z (but hardly exhaustive) list:

A. AIRPLANE. It’s silly. It’s juvenile. It’s dated. But it’s still one of the funniest movies ever made. (”Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”)

B. BAGELS. Back in the day bagels used to be health food. But now we know that beneath the poppy seed surface of that innocent-looking bagel lurks a virtual death blow of carbs. Would someone please pass the cream cheese?

C. CHOCOLATE. (Falls to knees) Oh God, thank you for creating the cacao bean…

D. DAMN YANKEES. As kids, my sister Donna and I watched this movie single every time it was shown on TV. We’d swing the towel and bellow “whatever Loooooola wants, Loooooola gets…”

E. EARTHQUAKES. I know it’s not politically correct. But isn’t there a thrill when you realize the room is shaking? Will it be The Big One? When will it end? And after: the phone calls, the gleefully macabre TV reportage, the freedom to ignore the petty details of normal life for awhile and wallow in storytelling…

F. FRENCH TOAST. Who doesn’t love bread? It’s the ultimate comfort food. And then you FRY it. And cap it with sugary toppings. Mmmmmm…

G. GETTING RID OF SHIT. Every now and then doesn’t your stuff just starts to weigh you down? Piling junk into the back of the Honda and driving it to Goodwill is not really something to feel guilty over - after all, it’s a good deed, right? But for me, the good deed part is immaterial. It’s the sweet rush of getting shit the fuck out of my house.

H. HEDONISM. To hell with hard work, delayed gratification and self-denial. Hedonism pays off now.

I. THE IKEA CATALOGUE. Once a year that thick catalogue arrives on the doorstep bringing sunny visions of breezy living rooms, cozy bedrooms, sleek organized kitchens, airy uncluttered home offices (ha!). Hours of house porn.

J. JIGSAW PUZZLES. I have to be very careful to limit indulgence to holidays and vacations or the loss of income would force my children to drop out of college and pursue lives of crime.

K. KITTEN PICTURES. The kind so plentiful on one of my guilty pleasure websites - along with puppies. I can’t believe I’m outing myself on this one - it’s shameful, but here it is.

L. LUST. But you knew that.

M. MUSICALS. And the more turgidly overblown the better. Give me Phantom of the Opera. Give me Les Miserables. I even paid actual money to see the short-lived Dracula The Musical in NYC and Lord of the Rings The Musical in London. They’re awful and I love them.

N. NACHO CHEESE DORITOS. The only viable strategy is never to buy them. Then no one will have to live with the horror of finding my bloated, orange-powdered body amid the crumbs on the kitchen floor.

O. OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK. Click at your own risk. It will suck you in and smack its lips over your day without the least qualm. A snarker’s heaven.

P. PANTIES. You won’t find granny pants in my drawer. I’ve got a passion for Victoria’s. More than one ass really needs for uninterrupted coverage, but they’re so much fun.

Q. Online QUIZZES. Want to know your gangsta name? (Supa Gatmasta) What panties fit your personality? (Thong, of course) What Beer you are? (Corona Extra). This is educational!

R. Spending the whole day in my fuzzy ROBE then dashing upstairs to throw on jeans as the sun goes down so my husband won’t know.

S. STUFFING. Thanksgiving is almost here and the thing I’m most thankful for is stuffing. Forget the turkey. Forgo the cranberries. Fuck the pumpkin pie. Give me another serving of savory, bready stuuuuffffffinggggg. Oh my.

T. TUB SOAKS. Bathing itself is nothing to feel guilty over, cleanliness=godliness and all that. But getting clean has absolutely nothing to do with the joy of squirting oil into a tubful of hot water and slipping into a steamy dreamlike trance that can stretch on for hours. Add a glass of wine and a trashy novel and I’m gone.

U. THE UPS GUY. He’s got a nice package…

V. Anne Rice’s VAMPIRE BOOKS. They’re horrible, overwritten, overblown, sexless word porn. I hate them. I do. So why do I keep reading them? I don’t know! It’s like there’s an evil force beyond my control…

W. WORKING AT HOME which allows me to get away with all my other guilty pleasures. (If my clients are reading this I’m in such trouble.)

X. X-RATED MOVIES. You knew I’d get to this. I know you were waiting for it. Oh yeah baby. (Not that I really actually admit to watching porn… but a good source is http://www.adultdvdmarketplace.com. Retail is for losers.)

Y. YOUTUBE. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. There goes your day.

Z. THE ZOMBIE CHANT. This one is courtesy of my son, Mr. Zombie. I don’t know why but it just cracks me up:

What do we want? Brains!!!
When do we want them? Brains!!!

Your turn. What are your guilty pleasures. Come on. Fess up.

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