L u n a t a l k

I’ve been pondering for about a week how to write this without coming off like a wheezy old fart shaking her walker at these kids today.

But the game is up. I may have to accept that my old fart status became permanent the day I saw the Moldy Peaches sing Anyone Else But You. It’s from the soundtrack of the movie Juno which is the best selling soundtrack of all time. Best. Selling. Soundtrack. Of. All. Time. Check out the song (and the other six songs they have on it) and then tell me how you feel. And the movie’s been out for what? About nine minutes?

I actually do have some inkling why the song appeals so strongly to teens. My son went through a rough patch where he was convinced he was weird and wished he were normal like everyone else. I tried to explain to him that the very definition of a normal person is someone you don’t know very well. And this song, like America’s Funniest Home Videos, gives a slice of the other side of normal. It’s not just you. I can understand that.

But this song deprives me of every last precious sour grape. They’re not young and cute. They’re not well-connected. They can’t write a melody of more than two bars. They can’t even sing or play. I’m fresh out of excuses for the pitiful state of my own music career. And at the same time, I feel like I should be thrilled: Someone made it who didn’t fit the mold and quirk ruled for a day. w00t!

My consolation is the thought that someday they’ll get some guitar lessons, shampoo and a personal trainer, learn a third chord, start to write beautiful, clever, insightful songs and yet at every gig from now until they’re gray and playing the casino circuit, no one will want to hear them play anything else but Anyone Else But You.

Will someone please hand me my walker?

Popularity: 5% [?]

See more like that one:

• Guilty Pleasures, A to Z
• Songs of My Enemies
• Most Unwanted
• Hold on a minute, Seattle
• Fa-la-fucking-lah

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…I think the dynamics of civilization on earth might have been quite different.

And maybe for the better.

Popularity: 3% [?]

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The vox populi has opened its bloody vox and removed all doubt that the dismal state of popular music today is not a result of some cabal of evil Clear Channel suits, but is, in fact, a true reflection of their actual desires.

In the spring of 2006, some 500 populi completed a survey on their musical tastes. Dave Solder and Nina Mankin used the survey results to write music and lyrics for the Most Wanted and Most Unwanted songs.

Now I’m not saying the Most Unwanted Song is good. It’s actually dreadful. But it’s about a kazillion times more interesting than the Most Wanted Song, which has not a single memorable feature. From the opening kengee* to the four full manilows* at the coda, from the synth tom pan to the tinkly fake windchimes at the fade, it’s pure, unredeemed pap. Go ahead and have a listen. Tell me you disagree. If you can stay awake long enough to click the comment button.

I’m probably not qualified to judge the Most Unwanted Song, since I am guilty of using many of the Most Unwanted Elements: Accordion, bagpipes, flute, organ AND tuba. No wonder pop stardom has eluded me. But there is something hypnotically fascinating about it - always an unexpected surprise around the corner. Such as atonal operatic soprano rap. You know it’s wrong. But you can’t turn away.

*Kengee - The indistinguishable melody-free soprano sax solos that I believe you can purchase by the yard at Solos ‘n Things. These all-purpose tracks will instantly turn any song into elevator music. Opera? AC/DC? Doesn’t matter. Just slap this puppy on and you’re done. Going up?

*Manilow - Cheap Songwriter Trick #1: Is your song getting boring? Modulate up one full step. Why waste endless hours actually composing interesting music? Listen for these less common variations: The trickier half-manilow and occasionally, if you pay attention, a double- or even a triple-manilow or the much rarer reverse-manilow.

Popularity: 4% [?]

See more like that one:

• Songs of My Enemies
• Anything Else But This
• Hold on a minute, Seattle
• Fa-la-fucking-lah
• Down the Drain

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Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yep.

Yes, they’re real.

No, it’s not the same as Romanian.

Twice. Or maybe three times. I can’t remember.

In your dreams.

February 16th.

$10

Meh.

Popularity: 3% [?]

See more like that one:

• Songs of My Enemies
• 100 Words
• A Piece of Pi
• Gack Moment
• Snuggle for the Cause

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More selections from the 840-page slab ink and glossy stock that was the September 2007 issue of Vogue Magazine (of which, maybe four pages were editorial content.) See Part 1. It seems a little inadequate to call it a magazine. Like calling US Military spending a small indulgence. And speaking of small indulgences, go for the sweet little pink cloth clutch on page 811 from Louis Vuitton for only $1,275. You deserve it. But first, a few more fashion highlights:

It was supposed to be a medical miracle - reattaching a woman’s head and limbs to her torso after a tragic accident. But things went horribly wrong when the torso was accidentally attached backwards - along with the dress. The incompetent surgeon tried to disguise his negligence by draping the pelt of sasquatch over the evidence. Nice try, doc. (Cute shoes, though.)

These poor siamese twins, joined at the handbag, are saving up for the operation that will allow them at last to be separated. Please give.

Natasha trudged onward through the fierce Siberian winter. The old gypsy woman had looked into the tea leaves and seen a happy reunion with her exiled prince. Unfortunately, she neglected to mention it would only be happy for the prince, who would stumble upon her frozen corpse shortly after the last of his food supplies had been depleted.

The Baleful Banshee of Aberdeen: To summon this demon, burn the contents of your dryer’s lint trap at midnight on the full moon while repeating the incantation “FA SHO N’VI K’TOM.” Be warned though: One mistake and you might resurrect your uncle Scottie’s 1976 rec room sofa.

Popularity: 4% [?]

See more like that one:

• Songs of My Enemies
• 100 Words
• A Piece of Pi
• Gack Moment
• Snuggle for the Cause

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Ready or not, callers to the City of Seattle will be treated (or subjected, depending on your point of view) to telephone on-hold music by our other band, Balkanarama. Who knows what they’ll think of it. Perhaps they’ll be swept away by a sudden urge to party all night on a Black Sea beach… If they can follow the Bulgarian lyrics to Karavana Chajka. You can hear a sample from our CD “Balkanarama Live” at http://balkanarama.com or at CD Baby.

This year at the Black Sea
The Café “Seagull” has invited us back.
“Balkanarama” plays right up till dawn,
The sea rocks the deep blue waves.
Pack your bags for the Black Sea,
Who cares if the dollar is going up?
Let’s have fun at the Black Sea,
‘Cause life is short and it flies by.

Popularity: 6% [?]

See more like that one:

• Songs of My Enemies
• Anything Else But This
• Most Unwanted
• Fa-la-fucking-lah
• Down the Drain

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So I came across a copy of September’s Vogue magazine. Not that it was an easy thing to miss. At 840 (EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY) pages, it’s heavier than many of the models featured in its pages.

I’ve scanned a few for your viewificating horror.

The Barbie haircut syndrome. You know what I mean if you ever were a little girl with a Barbie and a pair of scissors. She starts out with beautiful long hair. This is the last stage before dots. Also, last I checked, it was normal for the upper arms to be a bit thicker than the forearms unless you’re Popeye. Would someone please throw this woman a sandwich?

Below: a medical malpractice no-brainer. She went in for a breast augmentation and the incompetent surgeon attached the implant to the side of her head. No wonder she’s got dark circles. Could YOU sleep?

Now I know where the hat from my Monopoly set went. Beyond that, words fail me. This was from an article about a famous makeup artist. She must of run out of big red noses in her kit.

Peter Pan was abducted by gay Victorian zombie urchins. Braaaaiiinnnns.

One bright spot: An amazing photo of Twila Tharp in a GAP shirt. GAP may be a has-been pimp of mundane, characterless, boring clothes clothes, but they’ve just gone up in my esteem. They are now elevated to a has-been pimp of mundane, characterless, boring clothes with the wits to throw a wheelbarrow full of money at a decent ad agency.

More to come in part 2.

Popularity: 4% [?]

See more like that one:

• Songs of My Enemies
• 100 Words
• A Piece of Pi
• Gack Moment
• Snuggle for the Cause

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New Year’s Eve in Seattle.

I’m still not sure how it happened. I can be an entertaining drunk. But last night I shot straight past the first four stages of inebriation (1. Brilliant Conversationalist 2. Life of the Party 3. Sex Goddess 4. Weepy Sentimentalist) and went straight to No. 5: Floor Decoration. I’m told I didn’t snore. Much.

But never mind. I woke up remarkably refreshed and reinvigorated and in plenty of time to engage in the communal channel surf that has become our shared experience of the end of one year and the beginning of the next. I learned a few things.

1. TV news anchors may be paid to look like reporting on New Year’s Eve is The Most Fun Ever but apparently the network doesn’t allow them enough liquor or drugs to actually make it so. If you look past the cheery grins and orange-for-HDTV pancake you can still see “just kill me now” in their eyes.
2. Dick Clark has turned into an ent.
3. Schadenfreude is alive and well and enjoyed the hell out of the sputtering debacle that was the Space Needle Fireworks Spectacular. I wonder if they’ll try to blame the fiasco on Microsoft (I don’t know what happened. We hit return to start the fireworks and suddenly it was BSOD)
4. The Twilight Zone apparently had a per-episode budget of twelve cents and I think if you look between the sofa cushions on the set, you’ll find at least a nickel left over.
5. Someone snuck in when I wasn’t looking and replaced honest rock and roll with a parade of pale troubadour children in suits, ties and emovers strumming earnest guitar pap. (I realize this officially makes me an Old Fart, but dammit, our pap was the pappiest.)

Look out, 2008. Here we come!

Popularity: 4% [?]

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• Snuggle for the Cause
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• Songs of My Enemies

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