L u n a t a l k

Any frequent hiker knows about the all-important 10 essentials for surviving your walk in the woods. Silly things like water, map, compass, first-aid kit, knife, light, fire, food, extra clothes, emergency shelter. Sure you can lug all that crap along. Wimp.

Here’s an alternative list I developed snowshoeing near Mount Rainier yesterday.

1. STEALTH – You want to be in and out of your hike before trouble figures out where to find you. Don’t let anyone know where you’re going. This is much easier if YOU have no idea where you’re going. Just drive until you see a likely turnout.
2. IGNORANCE - Knowledge and education are overrated. They just lead to worry, effort, inconvenience and hours of time spent NOT hiking. Never used snow shoes before? How hard could it be? All the signs at the trailhead covered with plastic garbage bags? Probably for a good reason. Why question it?
3. DEAD RECKONING - The importance of maps and compasses is touted by neurotic whiners who are consumed by an obsessive need to know where they are and how to get back to the car. Let it go. Use the Force. It’s about the journey, not the destination.
4. CAR KEY - I didn’t see this on ANY of the so-called “official” 10 essentials list. And it’s so obvious. Who’s feeling a little stupid now?
5. IMAGINARY BEER - My husband adheres to the extreme version of ultra-light packing. The car key is almost too much extra weight to bear. Liquids of any sort are right out. Heavy and cumbersome, they throw off the delicate balance of the well-honed hiking machine that he is. We’ve found that you can be sustained for hours by the mere thought of an ice-cold brewski at that creaking tavern you saw driving in - the one with the parking lot full of rusting pickups with a foot of snow on the hoods.
6. IMAGINARY FOOD - See above. A steaming plate of grease (clam strips and fries on the menu) plopped on the sticky bar at the tavern. Close your eyes. Can you smell it? Taste it? I’d offer you an antacid, but it would have made a heavy lump in my pocket that would have thrown off my stride (which can lead to serious injury!)
7. LUCK - I’ve been hiking for YEARS and I’ve never needed any of those essentials (much). Why should today be any different?
8. LAZINESS – After luck, this is perhaps the idiot’s best hope for winter survival. Things like walking a long way, climbing over crap or taking steep, difficult-looking trails are hazards that simply don’t face people who are too lazy to make that kind of effort. Better yet, rent “Into Thin Air” and spend the time in the congratulating yourself on your strategic avoidance of peril.
9. CELL PHONE – Important cell phone safety tip: Your cell phone will be much safer on the hotel nightstand than in the pocket of an idiot lost in the snow.
10. CAMERA - A little memento for the easel in front of your casket at the funeral:
    

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