L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Lamaze for Home Decorating

December 2, 2008 on 12:54 pm | | In General Musing

Mazel tov! You are entering a new phase of your lives. You must be very excited. All the planning, waiting and preparation are nearly over and soon you will be welcoming a bundle of new carpet into your home. There are a few things you should know for when the big day arrives.

So many people dive into home decorating without thinking it through. One partner (typically the wife) will say, “Honey, I’ve been thinking…” (the four most expensive words a spouse can utter) “Don’t you think it’s time we replaced the carpets?” The other partner (typically the husband) thinks “Sure I’ve gotten kind of tired of having all this excess money and peace” but what he says is, “sure.” Fatal words.

I’m sure you got an earful when announced the news to your family and friends. They’ve been through it too and aren’t shy about sharing their stories of the mixed-up deliveries, chaos, labor and all the things that can go wrong. You nodded your heads and smiled, thinking “not us!” or “they’re just exaggerating!”

But let me assure you, it’s best to be as prepared as you can be, so I’ve put together a little list for you.

Lamaze for Home Decorating.

This program is based on the philosophy that home decorating is a natural process for which homeowners are uniquely designed. If you follow these basic principles your inner Martha will guide you painlessly through the process.

Phase one: Early labor.

The big moment is almost upon you but the pain is tolerable. You scout grocery stores, snagging boxes and bribe your kids to pack all the books and drag them to the garage. If there is any discomfort during this phase, focus on a pleasing image - say a photo of a fantasy home swathed in acres of creamy new rugs, take a deep cleansing breath and yell at them to get back at it or they can pay their own goddamn tuition next quarter. This phase may last several days.

Phase two: Transition.

The kids have gone back to school and the house is still alarmingly full of things. Keep your focus, take quick panting breaths as you drop the glass top of the dining room table on your fingers. Be prepared for strong emotions to arise during this phase. It’s not uncommon for normally loving couples to engage in blaming and cursing. “Never again! I am never going through this fucking hell again as long as I live!” and “It’s your fault, you bastard. I’ve been after you for years to get rid of all your crap.” Relax. This is nature’s way of preparing you for phase three.

Phase three: Pushing.

It’s the big moment at last! The carpet guys have arrived in the truck and are stumping through the house. Unfortunately, you had been told they were going to do the downstairs Tuesday and the upstairs Thursday, but Esteban informs you they’re doing the downstairs and half the upstairs today. It’s a mad sprint to haul beds and bookcases out of rooms, clear the armoire in the hall and hustle the cats into the spare room. (Cats who celebrated the happy event with an all-night barf-party. Just try it on the new carpets, gatos.)

The reality is, while it’s good to do what you can to get ready, nothing will really prepare you for the day… the noise! the chaos! the mess! the dizzying speed with which your entire life dissolves in turmoil. But eventually, it’s over and then it’s just you and your partner at home with your brand new carpet. Peace at last!

Oh wait. Did you look in the garage?

Phase four: the afterbirth…

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