L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Tips n’ Tricks, Mr. Obama

February 24, 2009 on 12:34 pm | | In General Musing, In the news

This article in the New York Times shared the odd little low-tech fixes people have come up with for high tech problems. Things like extending the range of your remote car key by touching the key to your head while clicking (try it - your head becomes a poor but functional antenna) or eking a few more pages out of a spent toner cartridge by running a hair dryer over it.

With economic doom and gloom on the horizon, I was wondering why we don’t put our Yankee ingenuity to the task of tricking things back into working order. Mr. President, I hope you’re listening. The people are speaking. And they are mad as hell.

First, let me say I am extravagantly and ferociously pissed off about the whole economic situation. Especially with the bailout. Those of us who were so stupid as to live within our means and buy what we could afford are going to bail out those who didn’t. Oh sure, there are some stories of sheer bad luck, but mostly what this is about is greed.

Still, I don’t see a good way out of the bailout. Imagine you’re on a boat. You’ve been keeping your side of the boat trim and proper, swabbing the decks and all, while those bastards on the other side partied it up like it was 1929. And gosh darn it, now there a big nasty hole on their side. Should I let them sink?

So we’ll stuff the holes now and deal with the assholes later.

Which brings me back to “Urawaza,” a Japanese term for clever lifestyle tips and tricks.

I wonder how people came up with these tricks. Some of them are so random - like wrapping a balky credit card in a plastic bag to make it scan. Who discovered that? I think we all ought to start being a lot more random. Who knows what we’ll come up with? Here are some idea starters:

Home Forclosures. Did you know that if you simply place a lender who has approved a $500K home loan to a $20K/year cab driver into a tightly sealed bag of rice for a month, the home will usually end up in the hands of someone who can pay for it?

Bank Failures. Is your bank failing? Try this: wrap the head of the CEO in a plastic bag and run it through a subway turnstile several times. The bank may still fail, but what have you got to lose?

Auto Makers. Improve your mileage with this simple trick! Remove the tires from your bloated monster SUV and just have some auto execs carry it for you. Depending on the size of your vehicle and the age and condition of the execs, it may be possible to get by with four. Your mileage may vary.

Frivolous Lawsuits. So many of our daily costs have gone up because people are afraid of being sued. Teachers can’t control rowdy children, doctors order unnecessary tests. It’s out of control. But here’s a clever idea that just might help if nothing else has worked. Lawyers, bundled into rafts of five or six with heavy jute twine make wonderful, all-purpose safety mats for playgrounds. (Sorry, Sq, I know you’re one of the good lawyers. It’s sad that 90% ruin it for the other 10%)

Struggling Airlines. Air travel has become a particular sore spot with weary travelers tried to the limits by malfunctioning, aging equipment, overbooked flights, humiliating security and services cut to the bone. I remember a simpler, happier time - a time of small-town neighborliness, block parties and cookouts. Wouldn’t an old-fashioned airline CEO barbecue take some of the sting out of air travel? I recommend lighting up a big old bed of coals down yonder at the end of Terminal C. Or in coach.

Ordinary people like you and I can beat this crisis if we just get out there try any damn fool thing that comes into our heads. It’s the American way! How could it be worse than what the experts are doing?

I feel more optimistic already.

Please share your ideas!

See more like that one:

• Snuggle for the Cause
• Five Things I Learned at Midnight
• National Wax
• Tap...tap...tap... is this thing on?
• Lying Eyes