L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Running down

September 15, 2009 on 10:24 pm | | In General Musing, Music

My mother has always had an intense fear of walking downhill. I never knew why until recently. In her 70s, she’s fit, active and has a joy for life I hope I can match as I go through life. But walking downhill gives her the creeping willies. She clings to my father who holds her upright until they reach level ground. Even so, when I visited them in Arizona earlier this year, she gamely agreed to a steep trail hike up to see some Native American cliff dwellings, knowing full well there was only one way down. This time, on the hike back, it was my arm she clung to while dad strode on ahead and I asked her what the deal was with walking downhill.

She told me that once, when she was about six years old she started running downhill and then found she couldn’t stop. She lost control, took a bad tumble and never got over the terror of being helpless to halt a process that could only end disastrously. I understand this feeling, which is the intersection of thrill and fear. It’s in every adrenaline moment when the decision has been made, it’s too late to back out and there’s no choice left but to ride out whatever comes next. It probably explains why she never learned to ride a bike, either. You have to be willing to trust strong outside forces to carry you along, knowing that in the end you will probably prevail and it will be all right. As you survive more of these experiences, you learn to accept the fear to get the thrill.

I understand this feeling in a new way now. I’ve been playing guitar for a month. My current goal is to learn enough to be a bad guitarist. I’m not that good yet. A major struggle of the beginning musician (and one that keeps many beginning musicians from becoming intermediate musicians) is that it takes so damn long before you can make music - before it’s fun. You have to muscle through the first months on faith that in the end you will probably prevail and it will be all right: something resembling music will happen.

But the temptation is always there to just hop on and ride like the wind. To PLAY. A SONG. How can you resist? It’s what you wanted even before you picked up that guitar for the first time. So you learn some chords, get your fingers toughened up, practice some basic strumming, and then cast about for something to play.

YouTube is the ultimate jam band. Any song, any band you want - it’s there. Credence Clearwater Revival is down on the corner whenever you want to strap up and join them. You see the Beatles standing there on that tiny stage in that giant stadium waiting for you to signal the downbeat. How could you say no? So you start and it’s going all right! You’re playing and singing along in a hearty voice and you’re thinking, “I can do this. It’s not so hard.” But then you miss a chord. And the strings keep buzzing. Your fingers sweat and the pick starts to slip. And that damn F keeps going by too fast. Suddenly you’re struggling to keep up. Your voice gets wheezy and peters out, every scrap of attention focused on making clumsy fingers MOVE. Then you hit the bridge. What’s that in the road? A Bm? Holy fuck, what kind of sick songwriter would DO something so evil?

And you fall. Tumbling into silence while your betters race on ahead, not even looking back.

It’s a humbling experience. But of course you know what to do when you fall off your bike, right?

See more like that one:

• The Bonehead of the Opera
• Sibling Revelry
• Mixed Reality Music
• No one will ever know
• Ten Reasons Why You Should Give My CD