L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Scream Number

September 28, 2009 on 5:24 pm | Join the conversation. You know you want to. | In Food, General Musing

What’s your scream number?

You know what number I mean – the number that you never, ever want to see on the scale. The that’s-it-I’m-hiding-in-a-cave-until-it-goes-away number. The line in the sand number. We all have one. I had one and it still lives in my memory, but I’ve been on the far side of it for long enough that the screaming has abated… somewhat. Not far far, mind you. I won’t put it in print but let’s just say “SN+5″ has been the maximum. And no amount of cutting back, working out, de-fatting, un-sugaring, or calorie counting has produced anything better than SN+2.

In the physical world, going up is harder than coming down. But in the phantasmagorical nightmare that is a midlife metabolism, gravity is reversed. You become the anti-Sisyphus, forever pushing a rising boulder of fat down an impossible mountain.

But now a situation has been thrust upon me that, while it didn’t come about as an attempt to lose weight, may well have that effect. I’m down with that.

My doctor (a disgustingly fit and petite naturopath helping me through stuff you really don’t want to know about) decided I should go on a two week liver cleanse.

I am determined to see this out. I mean it’s only two weeks. A person should be able to stand just about anything for two weeks. Right? And just maybe I won’t have to choose between screaming or avoiding the scale. Just maybe I’ll wear those skinny jeans that have been smirking at me from the back of the closet.

Here are the basics:

Each day includes unlimited non-starchy veggies (no peas, corn, potatoes, no more than one carrot), 8-10 oz of protein + two eggs and two pieces of fruit (no banana). Seasonings are limited to olive oil, lemon juice and herbs. The beverage list is cranberry water (unsweetened cranberry juice diluted to paleness with filtered water).

There a few other things – supplements and such, but that’s pretty much it. No starch, no sugar, no salt, no dairy, no grain, no legumes, no caffeine, no artificial sweeteners, no alcohol, no chocolate, no fun.

At the end of it, I may be insane or dead, but my liver will be clean enough to eat off of.

Stay tuned.