L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Thursday Joke of the Week

The Busy Barber

A man popped his head into a busy barbershop and asked the barber “How long for a haircut?” The busy barber replied, “I’m pretty swamped. Probably a couple of hours.” The man thanked him and left.

A week or so later, the man went back into the barbershop and asked “How long for a haircut?” The busy barber replied “Probably about an hour.” The man thanked him and left.

Two weeks later, the man went into the barbershop again and asked “How long for a haircut?” The barber, busy again, replied “At least an hour and a half.” The man thanked him and left.

The barber, puzzled because the man never returned for a haircut, asked one of his regular customers to follow the man and find out where he is going to get his hair cut.

His friend returned with a grin on his face and the barber asked “Well, where does he get his hair cut?”

His friend replied “I don’t know where he gets his hair cut, but he went to your house!”

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Thursday Joke of the Week

The Sensitive Man

A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together.

At his place, he showed her around his apartment. She noticed that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There were three shelves with hundreds and hundreds of them carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but she was impressed he was so open about showing his sensitive side.

They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she found herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips He responded warmly. They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they ripped off each other’s clothes and made hot, steamy love. She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive man, they were lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly,

“Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and said:

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

Thursday Joke of the Week

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two:
• one to screw in the light bulb,
• and the other to hold his penis — er,  mother — THE LADDER!

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Thursday Joke of the Week

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My husband and I were traveling by car from Seattle to San Francisco. After a looooong day on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room, sleep for a few hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

My husband exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours.

The clerk told us that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager came out, listened and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

‘But we didn’t use them,” he said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.”

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows.”

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

Eventually we gave up and agreed to pay.

He wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “This check is only made out for $50.00.”

”That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife,” I replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the Manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

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Thursday Joke of the Week

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard, and made the following suggestion: “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

They went home and followed the Rabbi’s advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn’t help and the wife was still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they went back to the Rabbi.

“Okay,” he said to the husband, “Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they followed the Rabbi’s advice. They went home and hired the same strapping young man.

The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly: “You see, you young schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel!!”

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Thursday Joke of the Week

As part of a cost-saving effort, the Navy decided to offer an early retirement bonus to officers. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer could choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my dick to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, pointing out the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old chief insisted and they agreed providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief’s penis and began to work back.

“Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old chief calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

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Thursday Joke of the Week

The Ticket

(This one is true in the sense that I really did deliver this just as described – and paid the consequences…)

I walked in the other day and slammed my purse on the table. “Goddammit!”

My family jumped.

“What happened?” groaned my husband, no doubt imagining our insurance rates going up.

“I got a ticket!” I moaned.

“Oh no! What did you do?”

“It really wasn’t my fault! I was drive down the street and of all things, a bird hit my windshield. Bam! Just like that! But then its wing got stuck in the wiper blade. It was awful. The poor thing was flapping around and I couldn’t get it off. So I started the windshield wipers and it goes up and down. I’m trying not to crash. Finally it came free, sailed over the top of my car and right smack into the windshield of the police car that was just behind me. That’s when he pulled me over.”

“What?!?” My husband was really steamed. “That doesn’t make any sense! What did he give you a ticket for?”

“Flipping him the bird,” I said.

Thursday Joke of the Week

The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?”

Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”

“I just went up and said… ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’”

“He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?’”

Thursday Joke of the Week

The Mistress

A middle aged husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Ted?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she sniffs.

Thursday Joke of the Week

Five surgeons meet for coffee and the talk turns to what type of people are easiest to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on: there are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine – and the head and the asshole are interchangeable.”