September 10th, 2007

With a first novel in the works and dreams of a publishing deal (and what the hell, movie options too!), one begins to look at one’s credits as a writer. Mine are pitifully thin - mostly song lyrics and this blog. So what’s a budding novelist to do? Look for literary contests! Getting published, even in a small journal, puts something on the ol’ resume. And heck, an award looks even better. Why not dream?

But entering literary contest requires actually writing something and who has time for that? I’m a busy girl. So the trick is to find calls for really short pieces, right? I thought so, until I tried to write one. The contest I chose to enter called for erotic stories of 100 words or less - a form they call “flashers.” A flasher is a steamy little spurt of a story. A complete tale one can absorb practically at a glance, quick as a forbidden kiss.

Mark Twain once said, “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” Now I know what he meant. How do you tell the whole tale, suggest an entire relationship in a paragraph? Every word has to be essential to the story. In retrospect, it was an excellent exercise in economy as a writer. Surely a novel is no more in need of extraneous words than a flasher. Here is my submission:

Forbidden

“I thought they’d be round, like apples!”

She stood, gazing at the tree heavy with ripe fruit. Her hand barely reached around the long, fleshy cylinder as she plucked it from the branch. Its heady aroma stirred her appetite as she raised the bulbous end to her mouth.

“Better than apples,” came a languid reply from the dark, sinuous form resting in the branches. “Would you like to know how to properly enjoy the fruit of this tree?”

“Oh, yes!” she cried, suddenly breathless with anticipation.

The long body uncoiled and rose. “It will be our little secret.”

© 2007 Eva Moon

By the way, it won first place!

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August 9th, 2007

The blogosphere was atwitter last week by the list of 237 reasons people have sex. I was agog myself that my own reasons were so far down the list. Is it naive of me to be surprised that fun, pleasure and intimacy don’t rank so high for most people? You can see the full list here.

But what about the world of fiction? Why do characters in books have sex? In a rigorous scientific survey (an evening spent skimming through a stupendously dreadful Hollywood sleaze 1982 paperback found on the shelf of a hotel room) I can positively state that men have sex for two reasons:

1. She’s so fucking hot he can’t control himself
2. He’s so fucking mad he can’t control himself

Women, on the other hand, are more complex. Yet nowhere does love, lust or even mere pleasure figure into the equation:

1. She was drunk (as usual).
2. She wanted to show that cheating bastard two can play that game.
3. She wanted to stick it to the conniving bitch who got the movie role that should have been hers.
4. She dared him to make her. And he did. And didn’t stop when she changed her mind - the filthy rapist.
5. It was her wifely duty, even though she’d caught him in bed with her twin sister (and was forced her to raise the child that resulted as her own)
6. She wanted to cure him of being (gay/impotent/other)
7. She want to prove to this whole stinking town she could have any man she wanted. Even yours.
8. Even though she still had the abs and tits of a teenager, she knew men would turn away in disgust, now that she’d turned thirty.
9. What’s the point of having the opening of your fabulous artwork at a fabulous NYC art gallery if you can’t boink your ex in the broom closet?
10. There’s been no sex for seven or eight pages and the readers might start to notice the hackneyed prose and ludicrous plot.

I won’t name the book, except to reveal that about 800 pages of it revolve around the making of a movie called “Miami Toast.” Miami Fucking Toast? It did, however, make for a hilarious evening of dramatic readings (”he wore a purple gabardine shirt with orange sequined guns pointing at each other on the chest, skin-tight tan velveteen pants, $2000 snakeskin belt (stolen from a rival) and a white stetson” - how did we ever get through the 80s?)

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August 2nd, 2007

Our fabulous sax player, Ferko Saxmanov shared this delightful tidbit of libidinous lit with me. I’ve searched for the author, but all I can find is that it won a porno short story contest. If you know who wrote it, please let me know.

JAZZED

saxIt was a balmy night and I was feeling thelonious. I hadn’t had any tatum in so long I could have bixed a choirgirl. But I wouldn’t have to - the moment I entered the Luboff Lounge, the babe with the giant eubies fixed me with a “come duke me” look. She uncrossed her legs and I could see almost all the way to birdland. I felt a tingle in my tito puente, and with a smile, I had her. This was it.

No sooner had we closed my front door than this hot django had grabbed me by the hines and pulled me close. I insinuated my hand under her sweater until I found one of her brubecks, then I slowly traced a circle around her lee konitz.

“Oh, baby,” she cooed, “you make my red norvo wet.” She unzipped my getz, and reached in to cradle my johnny hodges in her hand. “I’d love a little mingus, darling. My gillespie is aching.”

By this time my king oliver was ready to take a solo; I could hardly wait to coda, but I obliged her. She hoisted her skirt, and I saw that she wasn’t wearing any basies. I dove right into her satchmo and attacked her lennie tristano.

“Ooh,” she moaned, “I want your krupa! Zoot me! Miff me! Fill my cootie williams!”

I was ready - almost. I felt my pocket. Uh oh. “Sorry, sweets ” I said. No blakey tonight. I’m all out of condons.”

*-=-*-=-*

Reading that made me dizzy. I had a jones for a cole drink or a bite to eat. Maybe a jelly roll. I had to krall to the door. It seemed like miles; I thought it would take five days. But anyway, I was out of cash and had no chets in my wallet to cover the billie, much less cab fare.

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July 9th, 2007

Chastity is a form of pollution? Maybe.

One could argue that chastity pollutes the sexual environment by reducing the fraction of relatively safe partners in the dating pool.

Imagine a fictitious country where most women are monogamous and all men require two partners a year. That would mean that a very small pool of prostitutes would serve all the men. In time all the prostitutes would become infected with STDs and pass it to their customers who would pass it to their monogamous wives. Now imagine that each wife would take ONE additional partner per year. The market for prostitution would die and the chances of any particular pairing resulting in the the spread of AIDS would drastically drop.

These rather unconventional arguments and others are proposed in the book “More Sex is Safer Sex” by Steven E. Landsburg. The first chapter is reprinted in the New York Times.

We well-meaning people are so put upon when it comes to saving the world. We sacrifice for the greater good (reducing our carbon footprints, boycotting war-supporting businesses, saving the rain forests, flossing) with a grim (ok, perhaps smug) doggedness while our neighbors tool around obliviously behind the wheels of Hummers, sucking sun-grown lattes past puffy gums. And now, here’s yet another demand on my precious time! Sometimes it’s tough to do the right thing, but don’t you think it’s worth the effort to combat the spread of deadly disease?

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June 29th, 2007

I give in, there is no cure
I can’t resist your sweet allure
Without you I’m incomplete
Though our love is bittersweet

Here’s a live performance of my ode to chocolate “Tango de Cacao”:

How much do I love chocolate? If you have to ask…

chilf1.gif

Show the world just how much YOU love chocolate (tees, hats, etc.) >>
(Remember you saw it here first: an Eva Moon original design)

Popularity: 12% [?]


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June 27th, 2007

As if women didn’t have enough things to feel insecure about. Now you can get cosmetic surgery for your g-spot. Be still, my heart.

Dr. SpotWould you let this man near your girlybits with a bigass needle? According to this article in the SF Chronicle getting your G-spot pumped up with collagen injections is the latest enhancement for your sad, pathetic body. This is from a doctor (Dr. Spot!) who’s made a career of giving women designa vaginas “to enhance your genital image!”

Oh yeah. Strangers stop me on the street to comment on my unsightly labia. And don’t get me started on the cruel playground taunts I endured over the size of my g-spot. It’s affecting my self-esteem!

Hey, Doc, step away from the bits and no one gets hurt.

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June 25th, 2007

  1. YOU’RE THE STAR OF YOUR LIFE - DRESS THE PART. Be your best, fabulous self at all times - even home alone. Live life as if the man of your dreams were peeking in the window.
  2. FIND WORK YOU LOVE. Pool maintenance, gardening and pizza delivery are excellent career paths for young men. The only careers open to women are photography and art gallery management. Fortunately, there are limitless job opportunities these fields and you never have to work more than an a few minutes a day to afford a fabulous lifestyle.
  3. NEVER SAY DIE. Life, like fucking or football, is not a game for the meek: Find your position, hit it hard, keep going and don’t hold back if you want to score.
  4. BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. It’s easy! No matter what the occasion, a nude lap dance is always appreciated.
  5. DON’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ IN THE PAPERS. The world is a safe place. It’s always OK to enter abandoned houses or get in strange cars. Even that scary-looking motorcycle perv just wants to make you happy.
  6. ALWAYS USE A GOOD MOISTURIZER. Taking care of your complexion is essential. Fortunately, men can provide an excellent facial and are generally happy to do so.
  7. OPEN YOURSELF UP TO NEW EXPERIENCES. Life is full of surprises. When you find yourself in unexpected circumstances - kidnapped by pirates, for example - dive in face first and make the best of it. You won’t be sorry.
  8. IT TAKES A VILLAGE. One-on-one’s fine. Even solo will do at times. But the real action is in groups. Invite your friends.
  9. SOMETIMES YOU’RE ON TOP. SOMETIMES YOU’RE NOT. There are advantages to either position.
  10. MANAGE YOUR LOVE LIFE LIKE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO. Look for strong movement, dump poor performers and diversify.

Popularity: 9% [?]


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June 22nd, 2007

Super BulgeBack to the gutter today!

This study reports that when men look at pictures of couples having sex, they look first at the eyes or faces of the women before straying south while women’s eyes went straight for the goods. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. And here’s why.

Read the rest of the story »

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June 19th, 2007

CATEGORY: NOSTALGIC

An odd combination of youthful memories and early Woody Allen

CATEGORY: CLASSIC

Perhaps the best commercial. Ever.
Silver: Priceless!

CATEGORY: AHHAHAHOW!!! OH GOD!!!

Read the rest of the story »

Popularity: 9% [?]


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June 8th, 2007

Bonerrhea VirusYou always hear about the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases, but what if you could catch good things from your partner? Like skills, talents or desirable traits?

Here are some new STDs for your consideration:

GENITAL HERPLEASE
Symptoms: Found mostly in males, though there are notable incursions in the female homosexual population. Symptoms include elongation of the tongue, tremors in the fingertips and an obsessive compulsion to repeat the same motions over and over and over.
Who should become infected:
Every guy I ever dated.
Cure:
It’s best to let this one run its course.

GLAMYDIA
Symptoms: A keen interest in fashion accompanied by the appearance of taste and an acute ability to accessorize.
Who should become infected:
Weekend populations of suburban malls would be a good start.
Cure:
Massive injections of money and a long rest cure in Paris or New York.

GRAIDS
Symptoms: A sudden, uncontrollable urge to study. Loss of desire for alcohol and parties. Persistent visions of future career success accompanied by fear of failure.
Who should become infected: My children
Cure:
You might think this disease would be running out of control in our schools, but you would be wrong. The public school system, through its tireless promotion of politically correct programming has virtually stamped out this disease.

HPV (Humor Procurement Virus)
Symptoms: The acquisition of the ability to remember and tell jokes orally rather than by the recently pervasive vector of email forwarding.
Who should become infected: You know who you are.
Cure: An antivirus is being tested that will intercept stupid forwarded email jokes and return them to the infected computers where they will be permanently destroyed. The hope is that once the email vector is eliminated, the body’s natural humor might return.

QUICKERMONIASIS
Symptoms: Improved reflexes accompanied by rapid movements and a sense of urgency.
Who should become infected: The M*&$*# guy in front of me in the gas line who apparently needs an hour to decide to get out of his F*%(@ car, learn how to use the G%*$@! pump and get the F%&(#* out of my way.
Cure: A cure derived from dynamite and delivered via assault rifle has shown great promise in clinical testing, though some watchdog organizations question the ethics of interfering with its spread.

STIFFILIS (see also: BONERRHEA)
Symptoms: Persistent and long-lasting swelling and rigidity in limited anatomical regions.
Who should become infected: Men over the age of 50.
Cure:
The manufacturers of Viagra, Levitra and Cialis are conducting intensive research into curing this disease, as its uncontrolled spread will likely put them out of business.

Can you think of any others?

Related: I’ll have another E ticket, please | Boobs & Pubes | Trust Your Lust

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