L U N A T A L K with Eva Moon

Seattle Erotic

The people watching was unsurpassed at the Seattle Erotic Art Festival last night, but it would not have been polite to start snapping pix of the patrons. Actually, it was against the “rules” to snap pix of anything…

Boobquake – the Song

This song is in honor Boobquake – the phenomenon started by Jen McCreight in response to the nonsensical ravings of an Iranian cleric blaming loose women for recent earthquakes. In the name of science, let’s see how many earthquakes we can cause! It usually takes a while for me to write a song, but here’s one conceived, written, videotaped and youtubed in a couple hours. If I had longer to do it, I might never have had the nerve. NSFW.

The Boobquake Song
copyright: Eva Moon 2010

It started with the claim from a cleric in Iran
Loose women bring on earthquakes. Do you think we can?
It wasn’t til he said it that we knew we had such power
And now we’re gonna use it to shake down your ivory tower

Boobquake! From Purdue to Pensacola
Bookquake! We’ll rock the Ayatollah
Boobquake! How is it a sin?
Boobquake! Show a little skin

If tits can cause an earthquake, how far should we go
To instigate the start of a Mideast volcano?
You taught us, Mr. Cleric, flaunting it’s the ticket
If you have a problem, let me show you where to stick it

Laughing Ladies

It’s a pretty safe bet to put you, dear blog reader, in the category of people who were not at our show Saturday night, since pretty much everybody was not at our show Saturday night. People were lining up in droves to not be at our show.

But music materialized. Drinks drunk, comestibles consumed, ladies laughed at the Laughing Ladies Cafe and we were glad to introduce our new guitarist, George Michael (not that George Michael) though it was a bittersweet gladness that we were not playing with our old guitarist, Dave Quick.

Dave had a serious stroke nearly six months ago and has a long recovery still ahead of him. We keep in touch and wish him and his seriously awesome wife, Jan, the very best. Even though Dave was not there in body, his influence on our music was present in arrangements, spirit and style. George (also known as Lyndon Heart) studied Dave’s parts to prepare for the show, though he brings his own lively style to the mix.

The show was broadcast live on Indie Spectrum Radio, in Second Life and on ustream.tv. Here is the archive of the ustream video feed, in all its static, ultracompressed glory:

The video was created using the built-in web cam on my Mac PowerBook which was plopped on a box on a table, turned on and left to its own devices for 146 minutes and 58 seconds. My dream of an Oscar for cinematography is on hold for the moment.

But the music is back and that’s reward enough.

Secret NSFW Spot

All the recent controversy about the existence or non-existence of the G-spot might naturally lead people to want to put their finger on it once and for all. Now you can. Sort of.

This G-point mouse has a secret spot inside that, when pressed, will take you to your favorite place. On the internet.

I started to wonder what other kinds of anatomically analogous input devices one could devise. Perhaps even one aimed at the female market. I found this, but somehow I think it’s still one for the guys:

Make your own!

I’m still wondering who the G-point mouse is marketed to? The presumption is, straight men. But they’ll never find the secret spot.

Vajazzle Me

You see me here, rockin’ on the porch and you think I’m some washed up old fossil who don’t know nothin’. Don’t you roll your eyes at me. You kids today! With all your fancy gadgets and gizmos. Your iPhones and your wi-fi shoes and your rock and roll. You don’t know the value of tradition! In my day you got a Brazilian wax and you were thankful! Thankful! You went in, slathered your hoo-ha with hot wax, ripped it off, posted the vid on xtube and it was enough! But now? Nooooo… You ain’t satisfied with your God-given, carnuba’ed cooter. You got to bedazzle your precious lady with Swarovski crystals. So it shines like a fucking disco ball. It ain’t natural, I tell you.

You won’t be satisfied until it glows in the dark. That’s why I’m announcing my new product: PunaNeon Lights. Why settle for mere clitter glitter when you can light up your lala like the Las Vegas Strip?

National Wax

I think most people know what a Brazilian Bikini Wax is by now. It’s the full rain forest clear cut. And who says women aren’t tough?

But did you know that if they leave that little landing strip in the front it’s called French Wax? So I started wondering, do other countries have waxing patterns? Is it like a national anthem or a state bird? What would the waxing patterns be? Here are some possibilities plucked from my imagination – and a few ripped off from friends:

1. American Wax – you voted twice and still ended up with a bush.
2. Martian Wax - crop circles
3. Norwegian Wax – plenty of forest but you can see the fjords
4. Seattle Wax – took off the hair but replaced it with polar fleece
5. Al Qaeda Wax – like a Brazilian but they send the tape to Al Jazeera
6. Nigerian Wax – instead of wax they use the more permanent pentaerythritol
7. TSA Wax – everything from head to toe before you can get on the plane – but they miss the pubes
8. Canadian Wax – it’s free but you have to wait three years for an appointment
9. Tiger Woods Wax – you pay but ten other women get waxed
10. iPhone Wax – there’s a wax for that. It removes hair in cute little icon patterns.
11. Chinese Wax – quick and inexpensive, but it grows back in an hour
12. Wall Street Wax – you can get ripped off without even leaving home
13. Punk Wax – who says you have to be limited to one mohawk?

Got any more? Bare them here. And don’t forget to download my song “Brazilian Wax.”

Zombie Orgasms

I love the TED talks. You never know what you’re going to learn. They are stimulating, deep, probing, enthralling, addictive and surprising by turns and sometimes all at once. But who knew that the living dead were capable of rubbing one out? (or off, as the case may be)

Is this where la petite mort meets la grande mort?

Chocolate Radio

Through a series of unlikely coincidences, my song “Tango de Cacao” is going to be featured on KOPN 89.5 FM radio in Columbia, Missouri at 7 pm Central Time, Thursday May 28. It’s a show of songs by women about food. I don’t know any more than that. Listen live here: http://www.kopn.org/listen

Here are the lyrics:

Tango de Cacao Buy the MP3
© Eva Moon

When first I saw you in the window
You caught my eye and called me in
Was it fate that drew me to you
Into this candy story of sin?

Beneath your surface smooth and dark
Lies the promise of delight
I know to have you is my doom
But even so I’m yours tonight

I give in there is no cure
I can’t resist your sweet allure
Without you I’m incomplete
Though our love is bittersweet

Let the longing fill my cup
I drink to you in steaming sips
You are my sweet forbidden love
Your candy kisses stain my lips

You are my favorite obsession
I think about you day and night
You are the singular expression
Of my helpless indiscretion
It’s a force I cannot fight

I give in, there is not cure…

Oh, waiter. Yes, you. Would you please bring me the chocolate decadence cake? And I don’t need a fork…

Let them point at us and stare
As I revel in disgrace
Let them laugh, I don’t care
I only want another taste!

I give in there is no cure…

Fugitive Pubes

The government apparently doesn’t think we have the wits to be allowed free access to our own genitalia. In New Jersey, the State Board of Cosmetology is moving toward a ban on Brazilian waxing. They may have a point about the general state of American wits, but this is an intrusion into forbidden territory. Our law system is already a tangled jungle of overregulation. We need to rip away some of it – not add more. How are they going to enforce this law? Stiff fines, presumably. Rise up against this outrageous penetration into our rights!

They can have my wax when they pull it from my cold, dead crotch.

Cream in my coffee

I know I’ve been writing about food a lot lately. I am a woman of strong appetites and the urge is especially potent this time of year. After all, why stop with just one when multiples are on the table? Let me squeeze out one more for you:

Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes

What could be more festive for the holidays? Some sample recipes from the book: “Almost White Russian” (2 oz vodka, 1 oz coffee liqueur, 1/2 oz semen, cream or milk, ice cubes), “Tuna Sashimi with Dipping Sauce” (Seafood n’ spunk. Now there’s a natural pairing!), and for dessert, “Creamy Cum Crepes.”

And so on. Well, you get the jizz. I can’t wait to see this episode of Iron Chef.

It’s hard to think of many human-based substances one would want to cook with (perhaps including the above), but here’s a true confession: Back when I was nursing my kids, I found a fresh and convenient substitute for cream in my coffee… Oh c’mon. Like you never thought of it.

Happy Thanksgiving and do have some more of the cream pie.

Thanks to Mr. Squid.