(Note: Originally published on Huffington Post)
If you’ve played in a working band, you’ve been through the routine a thousand times. Pull in at a club, haul your gear in, set up and hope you have time to check the sound before downbeat. Below is a list of things no participant at a sound check said. Ever.
From the band leader:
- The levels are perfect! Wow, that didn’t take long!
- Whatever it says on the sound plot I sent you is exactly what we need.
- No worries, we can skip the sound check. I trust you to get it right on the fly.
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the singer:
- My mic is too hot. Can you turn it down?
- I can’t hear enough lead guitar.
- Too much reverb!
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the guitarist
- Of course I can play quieter.
- Turn up the singer’s mic. She’s our real focal point.
- The drums need to be louder. MUCH louder.
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the drummer
- Yeah, that was me speeding up. Sorry.
- Wait. I need to check my charts.
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the bass player
- Thanks for adjusting the amp while I was gone. It sounds way better now.
- Hey, can someone get these groupies outta here?
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the sound crew:
- The sound plot you emailed last month? I have it right here.
- We’ll be happy to help you load in.
- Wow, thanks. I could really use your help running the board.
- Take as long as you like to get your guitar sound perfect
- Go ahead and move the mic’s wherever you want them.
- No thanks. I don’t drink.
From the club owner:
- No problem if your crowd doesn’t show, our regulars usually fill the house.
- Of course, drinks are free for your girlfriends/boyfriends too.
- Play for however long you want. We’ll pay you for the extra time.
- Thank you.
