To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Family reunion!
Hi all! It’s time to start planning our family reunion! I’m looking at big houses at the beach. Can you believe there’s 16 of us now? We’re thinking the third week of June. Lemme know!
Love,
Mom
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Family reunion!
Kelly reminded me the twins’ school doesn’t get out until end of June. Does second week of July work? And can we just agree right now on no pets? Don’t want a repeat of last time! Re food: How about each family cooks one day?
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don’t forget Ezra is allergic to peanuts and dairy!
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Family reunion!
John has to work the second week of July. I found a really great house that’s available first week of August. It’s a little small, but there’s a yurt in back! Won’t that be fun for the kids? And a pool! Mindy asked me to remind you all that they’re doing gluten free this year so: no peanuts, no dairy, no gluten. Bring on the chips and salsa! And margaritas! Olé! BTW, Kelly, Chris wants to come. I know it hasn’t been that long since the divorce, but he IS the twins’ father and you have Rob now. We all need to move on, right? Let’s hear it for blended families! Speaking of which, David and Pablo just can’t bear to board Lulu and Beatrix. I know I said no pets, but those dogs are their babies, right?
Mom
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Family reunion!
First week of August is out. Mindy already signed the kids up for circus camp. How about the third week? I’ve heard from some of you that you’d rather not include Rob, what with everything that happened at Christmas. But I say forgiveness is healing. And Kelly tells me that Rob is in AA now. Isn’t that great? BTW, she asks that we have no alcohol in the house – just to be sure. Who needs booze to have fun anyway, when we’ve got each other! BTW, Mindy texted that the kids’ doctor said no more sugar. If it helps with the ADHD, I’m for it! Not naming names, but some of us could stand to lose few pounds. Can’t wait to see you all. Already picking out games and puzzles to pack.
mom
P.S. Since Dave’s bringing his dogs, Kelly wants to bring Scooter and Ding Dong too. Hope that’s ok!
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Family reunion!
We’re confirmed for third week of August! Chris is bringing his new wife, Fatima, and her boys. They’re 18 and 19, so who knows, maybe they’d like to entertain the little ones. Delilah will “die” if she can’t bring a friend. You’d think she could spare one week for her cousins. Whatever. I’m not her mom! I found a bigger place. It’s a bit rustic, but the kids will get a kick out of pumping water and who needs electricity, really? It’ll be like camping, but with real beds! Well, cots. Re: games and puzzles: Patty reminded me that the baby will be right at that “everything goes in the mouth” stage, so anything with small pieces is strictly verboten. We do want to keep our little munchkin safe. Right?
m
P.S. David texted me that Pablo’s hypertension has flared up, so no salt.
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Family reunion!
First, let me apologize to Mindy for my thoughtless comment in the last email. I recognize that Delilah is at a critical age for developing a strong sense of self-determination and peer group bonding. Now, can everybody please stop texting me about every little detail? Rob won’t come if Chris is there and Kelly won’t come if Rob isn’t there. David and Pablo will walk if Ed brings up Trump and Ed will walk if David and Pablo so much as hold hands. Kelly doesn’t want the baby near a pool, stairs, video screens, GMOs, synthetic fibers or sand. Shiloh just decided she’s vegan. Ezra will throw a fit if he can’t bring his bearded dragon (eek!). And Chris just let me know that Fatima keeps halal. You’re adults, not children on a playground. Figure it out and let me know. Thank you.
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To: Family
From: Mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Family reunion
I
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To: Family
From: Dad
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Family reunion CANCELLED
Mom asked me to let you know the reunion is cancelled. If you need to reach her, she’s locked in the bathroom with a gallon of Absolut, a five-pound box of See’s dark and a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of Dwayne Johnson. Naked. See you at Christmas!
Dad
